(ZERO STARS)
“Oooooh shiitake mushrooms”
These inevitable words from the movie were also my thoughts as I face-palmed myself and left the theatre, surprised that Spy Kids: All the Time in the World in 4D Aroma-Scope (yes, that’s the official title) was actually worse than I imagined it could be. I have a huge imagination.
To describe this movie would be indicating that it made a shred of sense, even from a kid’s point of view, so I won’t try. The children in the theatre were squirming and whining after a mere thirty minutes, which felt like a very long time, mind you. It’s a ninety minute children’s action movie with copious amounts of eye-popping movement , loud noises, talking dogs, and ‘aromascope’. If it can’t keep children entertained, well, it’s an epic fail. I’m sorry, it may sound harsh, but when I’m sure that this was merely a business transaction for Mr. Robert Rodriguez, so he could fund his next good movie, I have no qualms with giving him a poor grade. He probably expected it.
The Change-Up recently came out, and has been bashed by critics for its way-over-the-top grossness. Spy Kids 4, as far as projectile bodily fluid is concerned, was worse. I had the wonderful pleasure of experiencing flying and exploding poop and vomit. On more than one occasion, too. Oh, and to make it better, I got to smell two farts. Yeah, that’s right, two of the eight scratch-n-sniff ‘Aromascope’ cards were cued to passing gas. I’m so fortunate that I got to experience that. Round it all out with such wonderful inventions as “Butt Bombs” and “Barf Bags”, and you’ve got a movie the whole family can, er…enjoy?
The acting was, well, I’m not sure. But I know it made me wince.
The dialogue? Sucked. It absolutely sucked. And again, I have no problem being brutal here because I have seen Rodriguez’s other films. The man is a great filmmaker, but these films make me sad. A waste of time and talent. Ninety percent of the dialogue was explanatory, and the other ten percent was half-baked one-liners that even children rarely laughed at.
The film opened up with a scene involving a pregnant women, a scene that was so incredibly, unabashedly, unashamedly ridiculous that I eventually started to laugh. That one scene was actually so bad that it was good. Too bad the rest of the movie was just…bad.
Oh, and Aroma-scope sucked too. Every scent smelled the same, with the exception of two, and I may never eat Tootsie Rolls again.
And lastly, I apologize for my repeated use of the word “suck”, the phrase “epic fail”, and for using “face-palm”. I guess I’m still trying to shake the overpowering immaturity of this movie.
Rated PG for mild action and rude humor.
Running Time: The longest 89 minutes known to man.
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